addiction, sex

Let’s Begin

You don’t start out this way. Something typically awakens it within you. I would like to say it was something happy but most addicts have a form of trauma that leads to this. I can’t call myself a full-blown addict since I haven’t done anything too drastic. It’s the urge and the minor, poor mistakes that drive me to accept that I’m on the edge. I am a borderline sex addict. I masturbate daily when I’m not forcing myself to be distracted with something else. I watch Law and Order SVU to keep my urges at bay. Nothing turns it off better than gruesome crime dramas like that. Sometimes when I’m standing next to someone when it’s been too long since I’ve had sex, I have the urge to touch them. It doesn’t matter whether I am attracted to them or not.

I was sexually active at a very young age. I will go into the depths of it another time. I didn’t have actual penile to vaginal intercourse until I was 16. I wanted it all the time even though I didn’t orgasm. My early twenties was an exploration. I had periods where i didn’t have sex for two years and I was fine with it. It wasn’t until I got into long-term relationships that the need to have sex all the time started again. As I entered my mid-twenties, I began to crave it regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not. I always needed it. The foreplay didn’t matter as much as the actual intercourse, as if that released something within me. The older I got, the easier it became to get off even if my partner was lousy.

Though I enjoy the use of vibrators, dildos mean nothing to me. They don’t have that authentic feel and it almost frustrates me more. There is nothing that can compare to the real thing. I have had experiences with threesomes. Two females to one male. Though I will indulge in females when it comes to that kind of activity, I rarely find myself interested in sleeping with other women alone. I have had experiences with them when I was a preteen and craved more but never had another opportunity throughout my teen years. My interest in it ended since.

I have contracted a STI only once. It was chlamydia and I was able to rid myself of it immediately. I foolishly allowed a man to enter me without previous discussion of use of a condom. I assumed he would use one and he didn’t. I have been careful since. I know I have the potential for going down the rabbit hole where I could end up dead on a street because I let my guard down. I last had sex almost a couple of weeks ago. I had gone almost four months without. When i go an extended amount of time without, I eventually level out and don’t desire it as much. Since I have had sex again, I feel an almost painful need. I must control myself. There is temptation anywhere and that is liable to get me into trouble. This is why I keep a constant vigil on my habits. I fight against the urges. I have decided to use this medium to help myself from losing control.

So this is day one…